My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My dream car is a taco truck.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.