Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Bless you

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

what kind of cook setting is this??

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.