My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…