My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
accurate
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”