Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Growing up was a huge mistake

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.