Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.