My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
(Musicians.)
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude