My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
how to have fun when you’re poor
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?