My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I unironically love this joke.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!