Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.