Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

This probably isn’t good

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”