My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
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No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?