My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
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Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts