Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

not to brag, but mine was free