Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

this is 10/10 content no notes

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Lmfaoooooo

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”