My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Um … Hot Wings please
