Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening