My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER