My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
shakira sharkira
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger