Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th