My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
so i’m at the stock market right
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?