My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.