My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.