My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
👽
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Accurate
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible