Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.