My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
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What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Ghost costume 😂
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.