My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Very good! 👍😂
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?