Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.