My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
also my go-to takeaway order
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business