me: you wanna hang out later?
her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’
me: please mom i miss you
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.
If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
6: 5 square red blocks.
6: I said RED!