Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

Proctology is located in A55

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

#catsoftwitter

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.