My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
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RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people