My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.