Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Note to self: always read the final line

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Bringing home a sharpie

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Damn what did I do next

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.