My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
A huge thanks to the person that did this
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Basketball
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs