My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off