My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows