my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal

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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.


Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.


Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.


Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.


How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?


Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves


Robber: Nothin. Looks like someone’s been here before us.
Robber2: Ya, and they sure trashed the place.
Me *from under bed*: Maybe he’s just been busy.


My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around.



If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart


Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”