*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
this is the news I live for
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy