@totallymel

my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal

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@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

@sixfootcandy

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

@tyrannees

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

@meganamram

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

@d_duhwit

Robber: Nothin. Looks like someone’s been here before us.
Robber2: Ya, and they sure trashed the place.
Me *from under bed*: Maybe he’s just been busy.

@AngelaEhh

My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around.

HAHAHAHA. As if.

@OfficeofSteve

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

@NYC_Blonde

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”