If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
You Might Also Like
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Its a hippotatomus
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
“No way.” -Jose
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.