I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
asked my bf how work was today
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.