My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Hoping to spice up my evening
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.