My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
You Might Also Like
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Well, this is awkward
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.