Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.