Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Bond. Trauma bond.