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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Mornin
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .