my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
You Might Also Like
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I don’t know what to do
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.