my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
It was worth a shot 😂
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.