Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding