My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.