Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

I’d … I’d rather not.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐