My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I