My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I just want an internship man
