Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now