My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
The struggle is real.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.