Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

me when i see my girls butt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?