My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
🙋♀️
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much