My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
cat vs inanimate object
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.