My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”