Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating