my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
🎵 I can’t wait to
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
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