My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.