My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If a snake ate a cake
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
They’re really bad with fonts.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS