My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
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Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall