Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

another case of gang violins

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*