My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
No Google it does not
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them