My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
The most accurate map ever devised.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Google Pay be like:
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.