My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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This one’s “Alex”.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
🤣
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer