Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.