My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.