Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.