Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients