My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.