My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
and now we wait
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay