My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.