Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)