My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.