My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Joseph Smith, 1833
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
I triple waxed for this?
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.