Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

So many pants.
So little yoga.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.