Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”