Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

pictures of spider-man

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…