my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
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(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol