Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

👽

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit: