Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker