Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently